Hot Line
by Hybrid Fantasy
Summary: Funny one-shot. In which Shrek, Jacob, Prince of Persia, Big Foot, Harry Potter's english tea-bags, Pinocchio and more colide. Naruto proves his straighness by calling hotline. Sasuke needs a cold shower. And Sakura catches them. Review Please.


_**Sasuke could easily say that after that **_**small **_**incident he learned his lesson for good. **_

_**Never, and I mean **__**never**__** do what Naruto tells you to do, **__**especially**__** when he is bored and half hungry, craving for ramen. **_

_**You'd better hit him in the head as quickly as possible. **_

_**That'll save you from making a perverted sick fool of yourself, total embarassament (the kind of embarassament when you wished you were never born) and a lot of energy. **_

_**He wished he would've hit him in the head when he had the chance. **_

_**But no worries, he hit him senseless **__**after**__** what happened. **_

"Nee, teme…" Naruto's loud voice filled his ears from across the small room.

"What?" he replied nonchalantly as he continued to observe carelessly the framed pictures that covered the simple white wall.

'Kakashi _really_ looks younger here.' He though as he moved his attention from one picture to another.

"Well, you see… I was thinking… that you k-know, we could do something. Just for fun." The blonde mumbled scratching the back of his head embarrassed.

Sasuke almost chocked.

"If I didn't know you better, I'd be thinking that you're inviting me to have some old-fashioned sex."

Naruto's jaw dropped.

"What gave you that idea, you sick ass? I'd never in the whole wild world want to do something like _that_ with a guy, especially if that guy was you. Damn, you're sick, teme, did you know that?"

"Don't blame me for misinterpreting your 'let's anal fuck each other'-comments."

"Your ego's really BIIII-IIII-IIIG, teme, mark my words. You think _everybody_ wants to fuck you."

Sasuke sighed loudly, wondering if Naruto could get any dumber than this. He spoke too soon.

"Think about it, teme. We're all alone in Kakashis-sensei's apartment. He thinks we're watering the plants while he's away on that long-termed mission of his but we can secretly do anything we want!" the young man cheered.

With a sincere nervous laughter, Sasuke mumbled "Naruto, now you're really scaring me!"

"Am I the only one intelligent enough to see the vast choices we have?"

Sasuke raised an eyebrow.

"I'm not fucking your ass no matter how many arguments you bring in order to convince me."

"Who's talking about gay fuck, you sex-freak? You're the one who's always bringing it up, not me!" he argued.

"That's because you give me enough reasons to!" Sasuke shouted back.

"I was just assuming we take advantage of the situation and do something worth telling our grandchildren!"

"Don't bring up grandchildren..." Sasuke threatened.

"Fine. I won't talk about families and cuddly stuff, I know you hate'em. But at least listen to what I have to say. It's an amazing plan, only a mastermind, like myself of course, could have though of it."

"Ha. That being?"

"And they say I'm stupid! I truly wonder what that'd make you!" Naruto sighed grumpily.

"Your amazing _mastermind_-plan, I'm listening."

"Right…" the blonde took a deep breath. "We're all alone in Kakashi's apartment. That means that whatever we decide to do here stays between us."

"Here we go again… Gay-alert." Sasuke sighed.

"Shut up and listen already!" Naruto pouted. "We can do anything we want and nobody will ever know a thing!"

"You got some big mental problems, dobe. Face it."

"Shut it, you narcissistic ass! I've already told you before; you'd be the last living being I'd fuck, so stop flattering yourself. I'm assuming we do something different here, dunno, we can give a big party or something…"

"Do you know what you just said?" Sasuke laughed.

"What?" Naruto asked truly confused.

"Ahem, quoting 'we can give a big party'. Don't you think Kakashi would find out when he came back that we threw a big orgy at his house while he was gone?"

"Well excuse me for pointing out, but the only person Kakashi would be blaming would be himself since he missed that so called 'big orgy'. Face it Sasuke, that guy's as perverted as Ero-sennin, I doubt he'd be mad with us."

"If your mastermind idea was to give a big party, then I confirm my worst suspicions: you get stupider with each passing day."

"Fine, fine, party's out. But that doesn't mean we can't do other stuff. He does have a big TV and all. We can watch some movies. It would be a waste if we didn't." Naruto pointed out.

"Like underrated ones?" he raised his eyebrow annoyingly.

"Underrated?" Naruto asked truly confused.

"It means porn, dobe. Underrated means porn." Sasuke replied tiredly.

"Aaaaaaaa!" he exclaimed wondered.

"No 'aaa', you stupid fool, I'm not watching porn with you even if it's the last thing I do. I don't wanna see you get a boner or anything."

"Hit yourself or I will." Naruto threatened.

"As if you could." He smirked.

"Don't try me. You know how I get when I'm mad."

"Yeah, you shout like a school brat 'Believe it' and hen you almost get yourself killed."

"I'm so gonna get you for this!" Naruto shouted waving his fist in the air.

"You're not worth my time, baaka. Stick with the subject. I believe your mastermind-plan isn't as smart as you once considered it to be."

By slowly trying to calm himself down, Naruto decided to go on with his list of 'what-to-do-when-Kakashi's-not-home'.

"We can still watch action movies." He proposed.

"I have enough action already."

"Comedies?"

"I'd rather pick on you. You're hell funnier than Chuck Norris."

"Horrors?"

"I've tons of fangirls. Nothing's scarier than Ino and Karin. _Nothing_."

"Dramas?"

"That's lame."

"I know. How 'bout 18th century British themed movies where the main characters drink lemon-flavored tea in the afternoon and play crocket and, you know, those kind of movies with Keira Knightly's British accent that just crack you up?"

"…"

"Scratch that. Twilight?"

"How gay are you?" Sasuke asked truly shocked.

"Fine. No Jacob hot'n steamy abs for you. Harry Potter?"

"English tea-bags instead of balls? No thanks."

"Umh… Prince of Persia?"

"It's not out on Blue-ray DVD yet."

"Shit. I liked Dastan." Naruto admitted.

"I'm sure you did." The Uchiha approved mockingly.

"Not in that kind of way, you freak!" Naruto mumbled.

"'Course not. You liked Dastan because he was an orphan not because he had a six-pack."

"Now who's the gay one, eh, Sasuke?" Naruto grinned devilishly.

"Oh, c'mon, anybody with a brain would have seen that the guy had the whole package!" Sasuke defended.

"I'll skip this one. Okey… let's see what other movies are there? Hm… Yes man?"

"Yes, what?"

"Yes man! It's a movie. Great one."

"What jar do you put it in?"

"The 'Jim Carrey'-jar."

"No way am I watching another Jim Carrey movie with you."

"Jeez, get it. Family movies? You know, Disney and DreamWorks…"

"You got Donkey's teeth, Pinocchio's wooden brain and I'm guessing Shrek's morning breath… so neah."

"Are you mocking me, Sasuke?"

"It took you a while, but I'm surprised you managed to finally figure it out."

Naruto shook his head uncontrollably. "So I'm guessing you don't wanna watch movies, right?"

"And we have a winner. Can you please cut it out, Naruto, so that we can water those plants and get out of here?"

"There no way I'm getting out of this place without doing something I'll remember from now on. Sooo, if you don't want to trough a big party, call it orgy, or watch movies while eating popcorn and drinking coke till we can't move any more and piss 5 minutes in a row… then I suggest we bake something! Make some cookies or cakes!"

"…"

"…"

"You're shitting me, right?"

"After re-listening in my mind to what I've just said, I must say, that yes, I am truly shitting you. Let's simply pretend that I didn't just say it." Naruto whispered worriedly.

"Can you, for at least five whole minutes, act like a normal straight guy?"

"I'm as straight as can be!" Naruto argued.

"You don't show it, not at all!" Sasuke argued back.

"Fine, I'll prove it to you. Pass me the phone." Naruto said determined.

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me. Pass me the goddamn phone."

Sasuke checked the table behind him, where Naruto pointed to. There he found a wireless house phone lying untouched plugging. He pulled it out and took a step towards a very eager Naruto but hesitated as he wanted to pass him the phone.

"What are you planning to do?" he questioned a bit troubled.

"Wait and see." He grinned.

"I'm not just gonna sit here and wait. Tell me what you plan to do…"

"Patience is a virtue…"

"…I don't have. Now tell me what you're trying to pull off."

"Very well. If you must know, I intend to call the hot-line." Naruto answered proudly.

"The hot-WHA-AAT?" Sasuke shouted. "Are you out of your mind?"

"I'm not. But you questioned the fact that I may be gay and I want to prove it to you that I'm not the pussy you think I am."

"By dialing at the hot-line?"

"Precisely."

"You're such a scumbag." Sasuke kept arguing.

"For once, I give a shit. Now shut up, so I can remember the number."

"You mean to tell me that you've done this before?" Sasuke asked surprised.

"Living with Jiraya for two and a half years hasn't been a walk in the park especially when that pervert kept calling at the hot-line as often as he could. Now was it 69-43 or 69-34?"

"You're actually serious about this, aren't you?" Sasuke mumbled.

"Dead serious, if you must know. It was 43 after all."

"Dobe, stop it already." Sasuke said trying to pull the phone out of Naruto's hands. "Hand over the phone!"

"Stay away, teme, I'm calling no matter what!" he disputed. "there's no way you can change my mind!"

"How stupid can you be? Don't you know these calls cost a fortune? What do you think Kakashi will say when he gets phone payment bills, hn?"

"Oh, please. We both know Kakashi _already_ calls regularly. Give or take a few bucks, he won't notice. I mean, c'mon, we both know how big of a perv he can truly be. Icha Icha isn't foreign policy after all. "

To this, Sasuke had no reply. He had a hard accepting it, but for once, Naruto was right. Kakashi was sexually obsessed.

"So I think I got the number right. 69-251-69-43-69. Beware of the power of Uzumaki Naruto." He said pressing the final button to dial.

A voice started speaking on the other line and Naruto only snickered creepily.

"Jackpot!" He cheered.

"Hey…" Sasuke muttered with a slight blush on his pale features. "Turn on the speaker."

Naruto had a grin from an ear to another as he heard his friend's request.

"You own me big-time, just remember it."

"Hn."

He pressed the button.

The female voice filled the room.

**…i****f you want to talk dirty with one of our amazingly gorgeous women, press 1. If you wish to eXperience the pleasure of having hot phone-sex with one of our lovely Lolita's, press 2. If you wish to have a discussion with one of our many man-whores press 3… **

"Whoah, excuse me, did she just say 'man-whores'?" Sasuke screamed disgusted.

"I just think she did. Eww." Naruto approved. "So we stick with 2?"

"Yeah, 2."

Naruto pressed 2 and as he did, they both took a set on the comfortable-looking couch that decorated the room they considered to be Kakashi's leisure area.

**You have selected well, my dear. Please be patient as one of our wonderful ladies prepares to encounter you. **

They both remained silent for what seemed to be ten seconds. Then the blonde exclaimed loudly.

"Can you believe that we're actually doing this? Woah, teme, every time Ero-sennin ditched me for these hot-line babes, I've always felt like pushed aside. But now, finally, we can do whatever we want an…"

"Let me guess, calling hot-line has been one of your childhood's long-lost dreams, right?" Sasuke asked doubtfully.

"Not exactly, but I'm glad it's happening now." He admitted.

"You perv."

"Says the ass who _begs_ me to put the speaker on." Naruto pointed out mockingly.

"It's just this once. It's more out of curiosity." The young man defended.

"Curiosity killed the cat, if I must remind you. But I just hope you don't bring your hand to your pants, that's all."

"You'd like to see that, now wouldn't you?" Sasuke spitted.

"Why you, TEME! When I'm gonna get my hands on you…" Naruto shouted angrily.

**Why, hello to you too, my dear. **the voice echoed trough the phone, both boys freezing shocked at the same time. **I don't usually talk with angry men, but I must say, the tone of your voice is really attractive. I am Yuki and I'll be entertaining you tonight. With whom am I having the honor of talking to? **

The young men stared doubtfully at each other not knowing what to reply. Sasuke's eyes were saying 'let me do the talking' while Naruto's were full of eagerness.

"Hi!" the blond shrieked hysterically "I'm Naruto, it's so nice to mee-Aaaaouch! What was that for?" he questioned after receiving a very hard punch in the head.

"Don't tell her your real name, baaka!" Sasuke hissed irately.

**If my judgment is correct, then I must say, my dear Naruto, that you are not alone. Who is your lovely friend? **her exotic voice filled the room.

"Ah, he's just Sasuk-Aaaaouch!" he shirked again after receiving a second hit. "Oh yeah right…" he mumbled towards a very angry Uchiha. "He's Sauce-gay." He then stated proudly while Sasuke eyed him angrily.

**It's very nice to meet you boys. It's been a long time since I've spoken to multiple people at the same time. We're going to have a lot of fun, the three of us together. **the voice cheered.

"We sure are." Sasuke mumbled sending death glares towards a half scared Naruto.

**Threesomes are wonderful! **Yuki chirped. **Now, tell me, Naruto and Sauce-gay **Naruto couldn't hold back a small laughter **Do you like whip cream? **

"Oh, but we _love _whip cream!" Naruto beamed knowing how Sasuke couldn't stand sweets.

**Things keep getting better! **** How would you strong and gorgeous guys like it if you would have to lick hot whip cream off my body? **

Naruto gulped blushing.

Sasuke's eyes widened.

Maybe Naruto wasn't as stupid as he once considered him to be.

"Y-yeah, now w-we'd like that (hard blush), w-wouldn't we, Sauce-gay?" Naruto slightly mumbled eyeing Sasuke who only 'hn'-ed carelessly (as if! That's what he wanted you to see muhaaha).

But little did they know that while Yuki was describing, with words unsuitable for young children, what her goddess like body would look like covered with whipped cream and chocolate sauce (Do you remember the coke commercial? 'Baby, whip cream or chocolate sauce?'? Yeah, I know you can. This is just better…), a special somebody was opening the door to her sensei's home in order to water the plants and feed the fish (I know Kakashi doesn't have fish, but let's, just this once, pretend that he does).

Sakura knew better than anyone, that compared to Naruto or to Sasuke, she was by far the most responsible. She still didn't quite understand why Kakashi left them a set of keys as well, but as long as she had hers, she didn't quite care. As long as she didn't run into them while doing the small chores, she would be just fine.

To say she was sick and tired whenever Naruto tried to convince her to go out on a date (using stupid pick-up lines learned from movies such as 'Please, Sakura-Chan, let me take you out for dinner' or 'Please, Sakura-Chan, let's have sex already') or the way Sasuke was always eyeing her ass and trying to ignore her even though she could see that something in his pants was growing (although she wasn't looking down _there_ on purpose… her eyes were just… y'know… _acknowledging_…) would be an understatement.

Lately, she didn't want to have anything to do with her two teamamates. Not until they managed to control their wild and carefree hormones.

To set her mind of things, she went to the bathroom to fill the watering-vase but she stopped like thunderstruck when she heard Naruto's extremely high and hard-to-forget voice.

(Everybody still keeps asking where the hell he got those lungs from, because, boy oh boy, he knows how to use'em.)

"Do continue, Yuki, we're both enjoying this as much as you probably are!"

What. The. Hell.

''Both'? Does this mean Sasuke's here too? And who's Yuki? Please don't tell me they've hired a whore…'

Judging by the sounds that he was making, Sakura was more than positive that Naruto was on drugs. He usually was hyper active and freakishly annoying but she had to admit it, she had hardly ever seen him so uncontrollable, or heard him, for the matter of fact.

The door separating them was closed so she decided to listen carefully. She brought her ear towards the wooden door and waited patiently for a response.

**I can feel you Naruto inside of me! And aaaaw, it feels so good! you grow bigger and bigger inside of me! Sauce-gay, on the other hand, you're licking me clean and mhmmm, doesn't it feel great! **

Naruto then said something Sakura couldn't comprehend, maybe because he was too turned on to use spaces between his words.

That's when it hit her.

Naruto and Sasuke were both too fucked up to actually deal with a whore. They may act tough when they wish in order to intimidate somebody but that was pretty much it. They didn't know a thing when it came to women, no wonder they were both sexually depressed teenagers who lacked a girlfriend. Then who knows, maybe they didn't swing that way. Anyways, she knew they weren't capable of seducing a woman face to face so she guessed that they either met her on the internet or dialed hotline.

**Ummmm… Sauce-gay, you're doing an amazing job…**

'Sauce-gay? How pathetic is _that_?' Sakura's Inner grinned.

Taking a deep breath, Sakura decided to ruin their little fun. She didn't know what she would find, if she could choose, she wouldn't want to know at all, but she found it disturbing that they would do something like this in someone's else's apartment, that someone being no one other that their sensei.

So she opened the door.

And Sasuke's jaw fell.

And Naruto shrieked.

Just like a kid who's seen Big Foot in Pajamas.

And Yuki kept on saying how Sauce-gay's manhood would penetrate her mouth and Naruto's erection would caress her entrance.

"Turn it off, turn it OFF!" Naruto kept on yelling searching for the phone.

"Take it, take it!" Sasuke screamed alarmed as he pressed every single button.

He tossed the phone towards Naruto who, without a second though, threw it against and the floor and jumped on it several times as if he was trying to assassinate cockroaches.

Sakura's wide open green eyes stared bewildered at the scene that took place in front of her.

"S-Sakura… It's not what you think…. Really I m-mean it was Naruto's idea and all…" Sasuke tried defending his pride (which, by the way, was long gone).

"Don't listen to him, Sakura-Chan, he was assuming that I'm gay cause he though I wanted to butt-fuck him it it's so _not_ true so in order to prove my straightness I called to this place where Ero-sennin used to call in order to get boners and aaaaouch!" he yelled as he received another hit from the young Uchiha.

"I had nothing to do with this, I can assure you! It was his entire fault! I mean you know how Naruto get's when he's high and…"

Sakura couldn't understand another word they said. She watched in disgust as the two boys continued to make a scene in front of her trying to prove their innocence in this whole whore-affair. She saw their waving hands, their lips moving, the hits they were throwing at each other but nothing could free her from the state of stiffness she was in.

She just pointed to the door, a severe look on her pale, yet beautiful features.

"Yeah, you're right, Sakura, we'll go…" Sasuke mumbled walking past her and dragging Naruto behind him.

"Yeah, sure, see you round, Sakura-Chan… by the way, did you something to your hair, it looks gre-aaaahh-"

They left immediately.

After obtaining countless punches from his (best) friend, Naruto finally mumbled "And you forgot to water the p-plants."

He just earned another one.

"_**Yuki, how was the call? You've been gone for quite some time…" **_

"_**It was rather strange. Two kids, I'm guessing no more than**__** 7, called in order to learn more about women. Kids these days. So curious." **_

"_**I agree. But we can't blame them. The world is full of perverts." **_

"_**Oh, I know, but the strange thing is, I think their mother caught them." **_

_I hope you like this guys. Anyways, please review, it would mean a lot to me _

_Pairings: None. It depends on your own tastes actually. if you're totally obsessed with yaoi, then yes, this can be considered a yaoi between Naruto and Sasuke but it isn't since they both keep throwing insults at one another. Nope, second though, there's no pairing. just friendship. allthough Naruto still has the childhood crush on Sakura and Sasuke keeps admiring her ass but other than that, nope, not really. _

_This is SOOO CRACK. please bare with me._

_anyways, I made this crack one-shot for SasuSaku Forever and Ever since she's been my inspiration lately. She's just amazing :heart: _

_here, check out her fanfiction account: .net/u/1195582/SasuSaku_Forever_and_Ever I'm more than sure that you'll love it 3 just as I do _

_THANK YOU AGAIN _

_Naruto, Sasuke, Sakura, Kakashi (C) Masashi Kishimoto _

_Yuki (such an adorable whore) (C) Me _

_I feel so proud. I've just created a sucky character. Yeeey!_


End file.
